Fifteenth

My laptop screen suddenly repaired by itself, recovered. No, should be mostly recovered, or back to the previous status - instead of 100% blur, and full of snow-alike dots, now half of the screen is back to normal. I wonder what happen, this is the first electronic appliance i owned that amazingly 'heals' itself. Is it good for me? I don't know. At least for the moment, i can use my own laptop instead of my sister's. But this would mean my new laptop is farther away from me.

Even a laptop itself can recover, why couldn't I? Maybe it's just me. Maybe deep down inside, I don't want to recover - afraid that the memory will cruely but inevitably fade away, the connection of us will no longer meant anything to me...

I've lost count how many times I told myself and others 'I will be fine, I will be okay, Time heals, blah blah blah'. Even sometimes i lost faith of these 'lies'. Maybe I just don't want to share my sadness with others, maybe I want people around me stop worry. Maybe it's more polite to reply with 'I'm fine' or 'Getting better' compared to 'F***, how can I be fine? Don't ask stupid question!' when someone ask 'How are you?', even though i am not FINE at all, not even close. But somehow, I do hope - I WILL BE FINE.

P.S. I love you. I love as much as i could not to let you down, but i bet my much-as-i-could is just not much enough or not right enough.